Freedom

Mark's Arbor

"Be empty of worrying.

Think of who created thought!

Why do you stay in prison

When the door is so wide open?" 

— Rumi (The Essential Rumi)

Making Space for Living

Sunrise in Traverse City

Lately I've been thinking more about the work of Virginia Satir, especially her Five Freedoms. Here they are in case you're not familiar or need a quick review.

• The freedom to see and hear what is here, instead of what should be, was, or will be.
• The freedom to say what you feel and think, instead of what you should.
• The freedom to feel what you feel, instead of what you ought.
• The freedom to ask for what you want, instead of always waiting for permission.
• The freedom to take risks in your own behalf, instead of choosing to be only “secure” and not rocking the boat.

Life can be difficult, but more often than not, life is neutral. It is only through our habit of labeling experiences that life is characterized. We have an experience that brings pleasure (like walking along a warm sandy beach) and we label it "good." Someone disagrees with us at work and we call it "bad."

We have the opportunity to live a life of fulfillment through becoming more accepting of experience. When we set rigid expectations of how life "should" be, we set ourselves up for disappointment. Suffering may be thought of as the space between how things are and the illusional expectations that we've set in our minds. Living a life of acceptance can broaden our experiences into one, coherent reality. I often aim for curiosity--just being in the moment and observing reality with a sense of appreciation--welcoming the unexpected.

So what would be different?

We would be more open to the viewpoints of others--not needing them to be this way or that, but able to empathize with the perspectives of others.

We would be less critical of others and of ourselves. We would broaden our ability to be accepting.

We would be more tolerant. We would allow room for people to be themselves--to let experiences unfold without rescuing, enabling, shaming, or judging people for their choices.

We would be more accepting of ourselves. We would not paint ourselves into corners of how we "should" be. We would uphold our personal truths--live our lives with authenticity--taking plunges into the wonder of our realities.

This all takes practice. That practice can begin with awareness. Notice today how often you feel a need for some event or someone to unfold in a particular way--just make a quiet list of the feelings you have when these moments arise.

Notice how often you create dissonance (intentionally or unintentionally) by trying to please the spoken or unspoken expectations of someone else.

Begin to act with more authenticity. Allow yourself the freedom to be who you are--to make decisions based on your own needs, your own values, and your own goals. This change need not be selfish--but out of self-respect. It is wise to allow others to be equal to us, but habitually putting the fears, needs, wants, and fragilities of others ahead of our personal freedoms can lead to a life of chronic resentment, frustration, disappointment, or shame.

It is okay to be yourself. And today is a good time to begin.

Noticing Friendship

I've had such an interesting week. John was gone away to a cool professional development event, so I took a few days off work so that I could stay close to the dogs and cats. And I really needed some time away from my office.

During the week I became increasingly aware of how much I value friends. I know a lot of people, but I have always been very dichotomous about how I spend my social energy. I'm perfectly happy being alone for 6 or 8 hours (I suspect this comes from sitting at the piano in university practice rooms for hours on end). And then I'm hungry for social time--I like places that have a lot of energy and a lot of people. I like to see everyone and listen in on conversations and chatting it up with anyone. I'm good with that for 3 or 4 hours, and then I'm ready to go back and be alone. Very either/or.

But this week, because of John's absence and my time away from my office,  my pattern was disrupted. Actually, it was liberated. I just suddenly had no real schedule.

Things I Did

1. Had a great spin class with my running buddy, Jeff
2. Had a few beers at Hopcat--great local place
3. Had several decent runs, including a 6+ mile trek around Reeds Lake at 4:45 AM
4. Treated myself to breakfast and or lunch out too many times (including having a Caprese salad and fries on my cheat day)
5. Caught up with Eric while enjoying Rowster coffee at Kurt's great coffee place
6. Drove myself to Saugatuck where I had said salad and fries, walked the pier, took photos, and finally headed to Oval Beach

I could go on...but you get the idea...I just invested in events rather than being at the mercy of an hourly calendar. And I invested in people.

What I Learned

1. I have really great friends. Sure, I do have some lifelong friends (or at least decades long), but I also have good energy from others in my day-to-day life. Sometime deep friendships are simply discovered by noticing and striking up a conversation with someone you see every day--by asking someone to go for a run.
2. People you've never met face-to-face can be a catalyst for epiphanies. My friend Mark shares his life with me and through that I see the whole world differently--with much greater brightness and hope and humanity.
3. I know very few people who aren't deeply interesting. Taking the time to get to know people...to listen to them and learn about their lives is surely a component of enlightenment.
4. I know more about myself whenever I get out of the way and listen to the passions, ideas, and challenges of others. 
5. We are all much more alike than not. As Rumi said,

"I, you, he, she, we

In the garden of mystic lovers,

these are not true distinctions." 

 

Noticing the benefits of noticing brings us all in touch with one another. That is a fundamental component to appreciating our interconnectedness. When we see others--when we allow time and space for others to freely share their ideas and experiences with us--we then see a little more of ourselves.

Perseverance

"Life is complex."


"Each one of us must make his own path through life. There are no self-help manuals, no formulas, no easy answers. The right road for one is the wrong road for another...The journey of life is not paved in blacktop; it is not brightly lit, and it has no road signs. It is a rocky path through the wilderness. "

— M. Scott Peck