Mara holds the door to blaming others wide open. We may be tempted to blame others for anything uncomfortable--the way we look or eat; the relationships that don't work out; the political landscape. Blaming allows us to push reality away or to create a fantasy that explains why something unexplainable happened.
We also are sometimes eager to blame ourselves. Self-blame, again, strives to create a reason for irrational behaviors. When we blame ourselves, we create a myth of explanation. We then find comfort in our imagined world...and worse, we allow ourselves to live in imagination. This false life is like a fog that floats into our naturally enlightened state.
Blame is inescapable--whether we do it or merely encounter it.
The Karpman Drama Triangle is a useful tool for understanding and rethinking blame and its accompanying antagonists, persecution and victimhood.
The roles in a nutshell:
I threaten to harm myself or others to get attention. Kind words are not enough...I need drama to feel heard or noticed. I create real and imaginary situations of fear, anxiety, panic, and emergency. I am the persecutor.
I help others to get attention. Being kind is not enough...I need to rescue others from extreme high-risk behaviors to feel heard or noticed. I create real and imaginary situations of tension, fear, and anxiety. I am the rescuer.
I blame myself or others to get attention. Giving invited, constructive feedback is not enough. I need to point out the worst characteristics of others to feel heard or noticed. I create real and imaginary situations of sorrow, sadness, disappointment, and regret. I am the victim.
We all can easily remember a time when we've played one or more of these roles--someone who was blamed, someone who blamed, or someone who encouraged or condoned blame. And, chances are, if we've play one role, then we've played the others. The dynamics of the human condition allow us to join in on this triangular merry-go-round. We feel hurt, so we blame; we blame and we feel badly, so someone tries to cheer us up--to rescue us. That attempt feels good at first, but then makes us crazy, so we push people away...and so it goes. Here is an example:
Hey, Bob, is everything alright? (the Rescuer needs a fix, so tries to make Bob realize he has a problem).
Bob: Yeah, everything's fine--why do you ask? (Bob, appreciates the concern, but isn't sure where it's coming from).
Rescuer: You just seem a little down lately and I was wondering... (Rescuer drops some bait).
Bob: Well, things have been really busy at work lately and it's been getting to me (Bob, having been alerted to a problem is now the Victim, much to the satisfaction of the Rescuer).
Rescuer: Let's get together and go out for a beer--take your mind off of things.
Bob: That would be great...I'll tell you all about my boss who has been making a string of mistakes lately (Bob has taken the bait and provided a Persecutor--someone to blame for the problems he didn't even know he was having until Bob came along).
At some point, the Rescuer's interest will become too invasive or pervasive for Bob and he, Bob, will push the Rescuer away (this is often done passively--through ignoring the Rescuer or not showing up for social events OR aggressively through a verbal blow up, thereby ending the relationship).
In day-to-day activities we witness or engage in these dynamics regularly. It is only when we find ourselves needing them that there is cause for concern. It is good and kind to reach out to a friend, but it is healthier (and wiser) to wait for an invitation. Or to extend the invitation and patiently await, then accept the response. Rescuers actively seek people with problems--they crave the opportunities to "fix" things. But they also suffer from burnout, thereby turning into the Persecutor.
The drama triangle amplifies all of the roles--from being a helpful concerned person to being a Rescuer; from being a normal person who notices cause and effect to being a Persecutor; and from being a person who occasionally encounters difficulties to being a Victim. Once we've allowed the amplified version to become the norm, we hunger for the game.
How do we stop the game?
- Notice the game
- Realize what role you are most likely to play
- Realize who you are satisfying when you fall into the game
- Look for triggers to the game
- Avoid engaging in talking negatively about people who aren't part of the conversation (i.e., gossiping)
- Set new boundaries (as soon as you do, the game will begin--many people in your life have adapted to the game. When you stop playing, you will leave them without a player. The best thing to do is--step away!)
- Strive to gain a stronger sense of identity. No one is here merely to make others happy and no one is here merely to serve others, including solving their problems.
"Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love."
— Rainer Maria Rilke
