How Wide Should the Path Be?

Over the past month or so several friends have asked me questions. The list below summarizes the questions:

• How do we balance close friendships with marriage or partnership?
• How do I get my social needs met without marring my primary relationship?
• How do I have intimacy, commitment, and passion in friendships that complement--not threaten the intimacy, commitment, and passion in my romantic relationship?
• Is it fair to be asked to choose one over the other?

I've asked myself many of these same questions...

Of course there is no one right response to any of these very complex questions. Because the questions jog around in my mind and heart, I've decided to offer some random thoughts, though.

All of us benefit from having several close friendships. Friendship has been shown to prolong life, increase quality of life, and decrease stress and occurrences of illness.

Relationships...romantic, friendships...even work relationships have three components:

1. Intimacy--the feelings of connectedness that we have without effort--that we just click;
2. Passion--the unstoppable physical reactions that we have to one another. Be it a shared sense of humor or sexual--it doesn't matter--it's the naturalness of it that is important;
3. Commitment--the part that happens in our heads--the active decision to call the relationship something...best friends, running buddies, lover, partner, spouse...to give the relationship a public name.

The combination of any two of these determines the type of relationship we have. But I think it's necessary that the two in the relationship understand the relationship in the same way. If one partner experiences commitment, but no passion or intimacy while the other feels passion, but no commitment nor intimacy...well...you get the picture.

Adaptability
Relationships gain strength when they have elasticity...the ability to stretch to accommodate the changes that partners experience. This is just like birth. The bones have to have some flexibility to allow new life to emerge. It hurts...the benefits are greater than the pain. But monitoring the relationship(s) [i.e., friendships, romantic relationships, family, etc] is necessary. Active reflection allows for growth.

Trust is good
And complex. Each couple or individual has to determine the parameters of relationships. And we all change over time. So, the longer-term the relationship, the more complex the enactment of trust. Trust is built over time, but all couples make mistakes....so the level of resiliency within the couple will ebb and flow. This experience allows for strength to develop. Strong relationships have endured successes and failures. We learn about ourselves and one another by allowing for trial and error. Are some mistakes unrecoverable? Perhaps. The partners of each romantic relationship decide that.

Joy in life is necessary
It has to come from somewhere. It may come from many sources. I believe it is necessary to develop the ability to notice joy--opening the door for someone, offering a smile, helping a stranger with groceries...being in awe of nature. I myself find joy in my surroundings while running. One morning earlier this week it was foggy and misty, with occasional mist. The Grand River looked like glass; the yellow, orange, red leaves on the autumn trees was magnificent. Yesterday during our run around Reeds Lake it was sunny, unusually warm for a November Michigan morning...there were many runners out, the sun was brilliant, the lower Bonnell trail muddy from the melted snow. Some runners might choose to focus purely on their running--pace, gait, breaths per minute. But many, perhaps most notice the scenery.

Having daily joy brings life to life. Never ignore opportunities for cultivating joy.

Talk
Talk. Then talk some more. Words have such healing power...struggling to find the right ones cultivates compassion--for self and others. It is good to be silent sometimes, but language is water and sunshine to relationships.

Breathe.
Be selfish...take time every day to indulge in something for yourself. Have a peppermint patty, go out and get a milkshake...take time to read...whatever...you rejuvenate when you have time alone.

Generosity
Be friends with others. Share an apple fritter with a buddy. Practice being kind. Developing the skill of generosity is a good thing. Share your skills, knowledge, wisdom, company with others...


Relationships are always complex. Don't be scared. And don't accept bad relationships. You deserve the best.

“A person isn't who they are during the last conversation you had with them - they're who they've been throughout your whole relationship.”
― Rainer Maria Rilke