Several years ago, actually almost 10 years ago, I co-facilitated a men’s retreat for college-age students. The retreat came about as the result of my work as a counselor at a small, private, Catholic college. The charge given to me was to increase the number of men who might benefit from individual counseling. When I began I had no male clients, but very quickly my calendar filled. Most of the men were 18 to 22 years old and shared common concerns: how to be more expressive, how to be more successful in relationships, how to reconcile religious values with sexuality...everything poignant, but nothing more than the normal existential emptiness of braided youth, masculinity, and spirituality. Yet still chronically troubling to these men.
I worked with all the male faculty and staff on campus to develop a weekend men’s retreat that would explore spirituality and masculinity. Each meeting allowed for a core of interested and available men to emerge as participants and co-leaders. We finally emerged as a group of about 26 students and facilitators--all equally fearful.
We invited a Zen master, a Catholic priest, and a Native American shaman to share their ideas of how men could more authentically express masculinity and spirituality. One lesson offered by the shaman was the observation that many men desire friendships with other men, but then push those away. He went on to describe how in some native cultures, it is custom to express friendship through an embrace. However, sincerity and authenticity are noted by the duration of the hug. He suggested that a true embrace allows for enough time to pass that each man can feel the heartbeat of the other.
Immediately the younger men in the group looked at once validated and fearful--exposing the space that is often left behind when we know how to be expressive and fear the very action that would allow for that expressivity. That space then becomes our own personal emptiness.
Running seems to me to offer an opportunity for authenticity. When we allow ourselves to run with a friend who stays close enough that the two of us share a rhythm--our paced and heavy breathing being the aspiration and inspiration of our combined hearts’ work--then we have expressed friendship.
