Sitting

Sitting
And this moment is my path

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Reconsidering Resolutions

I'm taking some time to move lists originally posted on Facebook to this blog. Most of these lists were created in response to requests from friends to participate in those "25 Random Things" things. I know some people find these things to be immature, or a waste of time, or invasive, or something else not entirely productive or good, but I like them. They offer a chance to reflect.

Which leads me to thinking about resolutions. I am finding the difference between clinging to goals and being with goals very helpful. It's as if I were taking a walk with a great friend, feeling in harmony and tandem with their energy--that is being with. But, if I and my friend each hold one end of a piece of string and then promise ourselves to continue our walk while holding the string taught--I am clinging. We are suddenly three: he, I, and our distracting relationship with the string.

Setting a goal or a resolution allows one to explore the present and its actions in the unpressured context of the preferred. When one forces commitment to a resolution, the joy of the moment is sacrificed for the lure of the future.

Here are some things about myself I notice:

1. Almost every day I think about how fortunate I am to hear and know the music of Rachmaninoff.
2. I have an extremely sensitive affective memory. I remember how I felt at every musical performance I've given or been a part of since childhood. I remember riding a firetruck in 4th grade because I won a poster contest. All things that promote intensity of feelings seem to stay with me forever.
3. I rarely cry, but I ALWAYS cry during the overtures to operas and musicals--all of them--Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, Rent, Boheme--anything.
4. I saw a shooting star this morning and thought of wishing for world peace, but went for single-digit body fat instead.
5. I find people who take themselves too seriously tedious.
6. I rarely get angry.
7. I can have as much investment in casual acquaintances as I do best friends. I strive to not take anyone for granted.
8. I often love the journey more than the destination.
9. If someone is witty and intelligent, I can be with them for hours.
10. I find sarcasm tedious.
11. I wish I had been more athletic earlier in life.
12. I would rather give than get gifts and host than be hosted. I am socially awkward as a guest, but completely confident being a host.
13. I am shy and strive to gain confidence through learning as much as possible about everything I do.
14. I can't relate to children at all--not as a child, nor now as an adult.
15. I could live on pasta and Cabernet.
16. I used to live in a pink trailer--all pink--even the appliances, toilet, and sinks.
17. I was a great waiter and sometimes miss it.
18. I love having such a strangely diverse set of real life and virtual friends--staunch, hard core Republicans and over the top liberals--it's what makes everything interesting.
19. I rarely feel pressure to be agreeable.
20. I love my chihuahuas and will forgive them for anything.
21. I sometimes think about becoming a Buddhist monk.
22. I don't like desserts very much.
23. I probably, no almost for sure overthink everything.
24. I love the unconventional life John and I lead. This past Saturday we went to Buffalo Wild Wings, then the Met Opera simulcast, then pizza and Cosmopolitans. I live in a conservative suburb....nothing makes a dime of sense, but it's all fun.
25. I don't procrastinate, but I do linger sometimes...

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Comments on Steve Hagen's "Buddhism Is Not What You Think" Chapters 3 & 4

Allowing ourselves to volley in an imagined world of this or that results in an imagined existence, at least half of the time. Hagen writes, "...we imagine mental objects that we call good and evil...they're phantoms we've created in response to other phantoms."

I often find myself setting goals, an expression of dichotomous, imagined living. I weigh this, but should weigh that; I run at this pace, but should run at that pace; I've accomplished this, but should accomplish that...the list continues.

Hagen encourages us to embrace our existence in Totality. That our only reality is the present, a place of wholeness where "that" is illusion. More directly, he addresses our illusions of good and evil. That there is a preferred way of being, a goodness that has a genuineness that is more authentic of better than evil or bad ways of being. He reminds us that "our effort is to live fully and compassionately in this world of muddy water without churning it up all the more." And so, the Precepts begin to make more sense: to not speak unless one can improve on the silence.

The seduction into dichotomous thinking, dichotomous living extends to science and religion. The former being fact-based and the latter being passion-driven. But in this moment, our beliefs, from wherever they originate are our realities.

Jack Kornfield encourages us to let go of our reality. That only through our release of these "corruptions of insight" can we truly engage in the path. That clinging to beliefs, whatever their source slows our journey, holds us back from being in this moment.

My resolution for 2010 is to not make any.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Happy Holidays!



Today I am grateful for reconnecting with so many friends from years and moments past, especially Phillip, Gaylen, Tim, Tony, Kristina, and Susan. I am grateful to have a fantastic job, wonderful colleagues who bring me wisdom and laughter, and help me think in ways that are creative and better than I would on my own. I am happy for the silliness of my day-to-day life, especially Saturdays at Rose's, these monthly races that I often share with great friends, the ongoing pet dramas, Arthur's steadfastness. I am appreciative for the volunteer work that I get to do at Gilda's Club and for the newly discovered Sangha. I smile that I have email friendships with TV anchors and celebrities. And mostly, I am happy to have a great partner.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Notes on Steve Hagen's "Buddhism: It's Not What You Think," Chapters 1-3

Earlier this year I read Hagen's book on my own. Now, after learning about a local Sangha, I'm enjoying the opportunity to read the book as part of a discussion group. Revisiting the text and having the chance to entertain different interpretations of passages with others brings a special joy.

Throughout my life I have kept some type of journal. During some periods my journals have been quite active, and other times I just jot notes here and then. Recently I've taken to a traditional paper and pen journal in which I keep notes that often find their way to this blog. Just prior to my notes on Hagen's book, I left a sentence in my paper journal: One should never hesitate to be kind.


From December 19, after reading Hagen.
To search for truth we must encounter paradox and confusion. That idea has so many implications, especially on my past work as a therapist and my current work as a college administrator. I so often work with colleagues who want safety to accompany all of our decision-making. As if the novelty of change should come with guarantees of safety, security, and comfort. How can we grow without discomfort? How will we allow ourselves to change if we wait only for those chances that are free from risk?

We engage interpretation to flee from reality--we impose our own lenses on that which is in plain sight. That idea has given me pause to consider how often I look directly at something--a situation, a decision, a meeting conversation--then begin to make up stories about what is being represented. There is a social difficulty in merely taking things as they are...to see the present as the only reality. Which often leads me to cling to the future to avoid the present.

I have a colleague, whose energy I enjoy very much. She has terrific spirit! But, she also has a proclivity to think and speak in "what ifs." Or in, "if this happens, then that will happen." Most of these imaginings are fraught with increasingly complex difficulties. If one thing happens, it will lead to misery, which will lead to more misery, and so on. I prompt her to take notice of this way of thinking and planning, but I also find myself there, too. I wonder how often my risk-aversive way of doing things muddles the path. And, how often I sacrifice the present (which is often my spontaneous intuition) for the unbridled mind. Jack Kornfield said, "the mind has no dignity; it will think anything."

The precepts are not commandments, but descriptions of the moral stance to be taken once we recognize our path. The precepts can allow us to enjoy each moment of the present. When I begin to evaluate my progress with the precepts, I've left them.

Am I acting out of wisdom and compassion? The most present thing we can say is, "I don't know."

There is growth when I throw off the comfortable blanket of interpretation.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

After a day of waiting for the phone to ring and then a run with David


The path of life should not be undertaken cautiously. Life paths are gifts (and sometimes not just for ourselves, but also others) for exploration, growth, and meaning-making.

Risk aversion stunts growth and awareness (which are interdependent).

To expand the space of our potential we must allow ourselves to be increasingly receptive to breathtaking joy, waves of emotional turmoil and pain, and all states in between. Through engaging in awareness practice, we gain appreciation of the richness of our experiences, our realities.

From moment to moment, deep and enriching states of immense enlightenment.

To withdraw from our experience is to insult our beings. When we choose to distract ourselves (through staying online or “connected,” alcohol, caffeine, food...any extreme that takes us out of the moment)we avoid the sparkles of enlightenment that are present throughout our past, present, and future iterations. Our existences and verticalities traverse time and space.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Baked Eggs with Onions and Cheese

This is a great, quick, and easy classic recipe. You can really use any type of white cheese--Gruyere, Pepper Jack (if you want to kick it up), or even Swiss. I don’t like to substitute the quality Parmigiano-Reggiano, but in a pinch, you could.

You also can cut the recipe back a bit and make it with 4 or 6 eggs, modifying the other ingredient amounts as well.

The only trick is to not overcook the eggs! Keep them moist when you take them out from the broiler, as they will continue to cook for at least a minute.

4 tblsps olive oil
4 cups thinly sliced Vidalia or other sweet onions
Salt and fresh ground pepper
1 1/2 cups coarse fresh bread crumbs (I just use whole grain bread, or even some nice crackers...sometimes stuffing cubes done quick in the Cuisinart)
1 cup grated cheese...Gruyere or any type of white cheese you have on hand
1/2 cup grated Parmigiano-Reggiano
8 extra-large eggs

Preheat the oven to 450F. Put the olive oil in a large, ovenproof skillet over medium-high heat. Add the onions and plenty of slat and pepper, cover the skillet, and the turn the heat to medium. Cook, stirring occasionally, until the onions are very soft and tender, but not browned, about 15 minutes.

Combine the bread crumbs and cheeses and sprinkle half this mixture over the onions. Using the back of a spoon, make little nests in the mixture and crack an egg into each. Top with salt and pepper and the remaining breadcrumb and cheese mixture.

Pop the skillet into the oven and bake for 5 minutes or until the eggs are barely set; turn on the broiler and brown the top for about a minute, being careful to not overcook the eggs.

I serve these with skillet fried potatoes or fresh fruit, or sliced tomatoes.

Wait two hours, then go to the gym!

Monday, August 3, 2009

Running and Friendship

Several years ago, actually almost 10 years ago, I co-facilitated a men’s retreat for college-age students. The retreat came about as the result of my work as a counselor at a small, private, Catholic college. The charge given to me was to increase the number of men who might benefit from individual counseling. When I began I had no male clients, but very quickly my calendar filled. Most of the men were 18 to 22 years old and shared common concerns: how to be more expressive, how to be more successful in relationships, how to reconcile religious values with sexuality...everything poignant, but nothing more than the normal existential emptiness of braided youth, masculinity, and spirituality. Yet still chronically troubling to these men.

I worked with all the male faculty and staff on campus to develop a weekend men’s retreat that would explore spirituality and masculinity. Each meeting allowed for a core of interested and available men to emerge as participants and co-leaders. We finally emerged as a group of about 26 students and facilitators--all equally fearful.

We invited a Zen master, a Catholic priest, and a Native American shaman to share their ideas of how men could more authentically express masculinity and spirituality. One lesson offered by the shaman was the observation that many men desire friendships with other men, but then push those away. He went on to describe how in some native cultures, it is custom to express friendship through an embrace. However, sincerity and authenticity are noted by the duration of the hug. He suggested that a true embrace allows for enough time to pass that each man can feel the heartbeat of the other.

Immediately the younger men in the group looked at once validated and fearful--exposing the space that is often left behind when we know how to be expressive and fear the very action that would allow for that expressivity. That space then becomes our own personal emptiness.

Running seems to me to offer an opportunity for authenticity. When we allow ourselves to run with a friend who stays close enough that the two of us share a rhythm--our paced and heavy breathing being the aspiration and inspiration of our combined hearts’ work--then we have expressed friendship.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Awakening to Desire (inspired by the writings of Diane Eshin Rizzetto)

Given the opportunity to put activities, at least work-related ones to rest for a few days, I find my mind electric with energy and ideas. Energy is not the most accurate word, it's really chaos; and ideas is not the most accurate word either: fragmented, sharp, jagged thoughts holding this thinker in a bind.

Most of these chaotic thoughts are desires:

more career success
more intimacy
more friends
more creativity
more time
more projects

Even more desire to be expressive (to blog in a way that is interesting). I allow the desires room to roam about, although my initial reaction is to calm or more accurately, squelch the desires. Instead I allow them space to breathe. Perhaps as each desire is given space it will begin to dissipate or become diluted with calm, clarity, or some level of peace.

Perhaps career success is temporal; perhaps a more skilled way of viewing career success is to observe it as a sequence of moments. Moments of sincerity--speaking to each colleague deeply and sincerely, helping each student and parent with pure commitment to their concern--responding to each email with care and focus.

In a broader, perhaps more universal sense (a more infinite sense) desire is the lion to which we bring milk. The difficulty that never leaves, allowing us to develop a calmness that coexists with desire.

Think openly about all your desires. If there are too many to hold in your mind all at once, just capture a few. Feel the energy they express--then, breathe with them; make friends. Be with your agitation, anxiety, fears, and hopes. Know that you need not do anything--including criticize the desire for being present. Just allow each of them to be fully present. Feel yourself broaden as the stress or presence brought in by the automated, additional desire to control the desires.

The desires will not go away, but we need not find them as enemies.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

'Til Tuesday


Another evening of vivid dreams. The world is clearly on many planes with myriad opportunities for us to merely open our eyes more freely and notice.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Monday, Monday

Last night's vivid dream: In line at the airport (Boston-Logan) where I purchased an expandable belt as a gift for someone. In an effort to take a picture of it, fully expanded, I sought the help of a woman who broke the belt by pulling it too taught. I then almost missed the flight, being the last person to board the plane.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Inland Hurricane: Storm in Southern Illinois





On May 10 an unusual storm hit southern Illinois. These pictures were taken nearly a week later in my hometown of Marion.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Equanimity


Equanimity is the experience of allowing thoughts, emotions, and actions to function in harmony. Equanimity is a path toward enlightenment. A key to equanimity is to create space--allowing breath, experience, time, and feelings to co-exist without engaging in clinging or escaping.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Architecture in Puerto Rico






I love all the colors, shapes, and textures of the buildings in Puerto Rico. Here are several examples, ranging from the Forts in Old San Juan, to the town square in Mayaguez.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Fort San Felipe del Morro, Puerto Rico






We recently revisited Puerto Rico--our new favorite spot. The island is small, only about the size of Connecticut, but the culture, people, terrain, history, and beaches are more than memorable! Here are some photos, mostly taken in Old San Juan at El Castillo San Felipe del Morro, the 16th century citadel on the northwestern point of the islet. On the day of our visit, many children were out flying kites.

The Waking


The Waking
BY THEODORE ROETHKE

I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I feel my fate in what I cannot fear.
I learn by going where I have to go.

We think by feeling. What is there to know?
I hear my being dance from ear to ear.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

Of those so close beside me, which are you?
God bless the Ground! I shall walk softly there,
And learn by going where I have to go.

Light takes the Tree; but who can tell us how?
The lowly worm climbs up a winding stair;
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

Great Nature has another thing to do
To you and me; so take the lively air,
And, lovely, learn by going where to go.

This shaking keeps me steady. I should know.
What falls away is always. And is near.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I learn by going where I have to go.


Theodore Roethke, “The Waking” from Collected Poems of Theodore Roethke. Copyright 1953 by Theodore Roethke. Reprinted with the permission of Doubleday, a division of Random House, Inc.

Source: The Collected Poems of Theodore Roethke (1961)

Monday, April 27, 2009

Fear of Clarity (a repost inspired by Don Kern)

We are always the path, the trees, the sky, the beginning and end of each journey.


Art Chickering wrote that college students change--that they "become independent; but it is the independence of a hog on ice. He is on slippery new territory and without familiar footholds; he responds with wild thrashing or bewildered and anxious immobility...There is conspicuous lack of coordination and little observable progress in any direction. Autonomy, the independence of maturity, is quite different. It is secure and stable; coping behaviors are well coordinated to personal and social ends. This kind of maturity requires both emotional and instrumental independence, and recognition of one's interdependencies."

Abram Maslow, the remarkable humanistic psychologist also wrote about the fear of clarity: "If you plan to be less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be deeply unhappy for the rest of your life. You will be evading your own capacities, your own possibilities. Not only are we ambivalent about our own highest possibilities, we are also in a perpetual and I think universal--perhaps even necessary--conflict and ambivalence over these same highest possibilities in other people, and in human nature in general."

Enlightenment requires us to create space between the gravity of the illusory physical world and the opportunity to transcend into the infinity of each moment. We might strive to conceptualize ourselves as both cloud and sky. The cloud representing our innate ability to be all and the sky representing the infinity of our centeredness. Can any cloud completely disappear? Dissipate? Whether heavy with precipitation or virtually invisible in its light mist, the clouds are there...just as the sun rises each morning whether we can see it or not.

Clarity, however, can be intimidating. Fear or insecurity of our interdependence in the world, the contrast between our personal perceptions of abilities and the tasks handed to us, or the stark reality of our lives can each encourage us to maintain a life of status quo, mediocrity, and passivity.

The Buddha was said to have said, "An undeveloped mind leads to great harm." How will you develop your mind today? What awareness will you allow? What interdependence will you embrace? What lesson will you allow yourself to embrace?