Making Space for Living

Sunrise in Traverse City

Lately I've been thinking more about the work of Virginia Satir, especially her Five Freedoms. Here they are in case you're not familiar or need a quick review.

• The freedom to see and hear what is here, instead of what should be, was, or will be.
• The freedom to say what you feel and think, instead of what you should.
• The freedom to feel what you feel, instead of what you ought.
• The freedom to ask for what you want, instead of always waiting for permission.
• The freedom to take risks in your own behalf, instead of choosing to be only “secure” and not rocking the boat.

Life can be difficult, but more often than not, life is neutral. It is only through our habit of labeling experiences that life is characterized. We have an experience that brings pleasure (like walking along a warm sandy beach) and we label it "good." Someone disagrees with us at work and we call it "bad."

We have the opportunity to live a life of fulfillment through becoming more accepting of experience. When we set rigid expectations of how life "should" be, we set ourselves up for disappointment. Suffering may be thought of as the space between how things are and the illusional expectations that we've set in our minds. Living a life of acceptance can broaden our experiences into one, coherent reality. I often aim for curiosity--just being in the moment and observing reality with a sense of appreciation--welcoming the unexpected.

So what would be different?

We would be more open to the viewpoints of others--not needing them to be this way or that, but able to empathize with the perspectives of others.

We would be less critical of others and of ourselves. We would broaden our ability to be accepting.

We would be more tolerant. We would allow room for people to be themselves--to let experiences unfold without rescuing, enabling, shaming, or judging people for their choices.

We would be more accepting of ourselves. We would not paint ourselves into corners of how we "should" be. We would uphold our personal truths--live our lives with authenticity--taking plunges into the wonder of our realities.

This all takes practice. That practice can begin with awareness. Notice today how often you feel a need for some event or someone to unfold in a particular way--just make a quiet list of the feelings you have when these moments arise.

Notice how often you create dissonance (intentionally or unintentionally) by trying to please the spoken or unspoken expectations of someone else.

Begin to act with more authenticity. Allow yourself the freedom to be who you are--to make decisions based on your own needs, your own values, and your own goals. This change need not be selfish--but out of self-respect. It is wise to allow others to be equal to us, but habitually putting the fears, needs, wants, and fragilities of others ahead of our personal freedoms can lead to a life of chronic resentment, frustration, disappointment, or shame.

It is okay to be yourself. And today is a good time to begin.