Lately I've been revisiting the concept of "shame." Shame occurs when one is made to feel less worthy than anyone else and typically due to a perceived flaw or mistake or some other eccentricity. Most of us are survivors of shame--we can all remember a time in our lives when something about us was revealed and we reacted by wanting to hide or disappear.

In the 1970s it was popular for parents to intentionally "shame" children out of behaviors. I remember a younger family member who carried a security blanket longer than her parents thought she should. And so all family members were encouraged to ridicule her. Even typing that anecdote brings some memory of pain for her suffering.

Virginia Satir wrote the Five Freedoms:

1. The freedom to see and hear what is here, instead of what “should” be, was, or will be.
2. The freedom to say what you feel and think, instead of what you “should” feel and think.
3. The freedom to feel what you feel, instead of what you “ought” to feel.
4. The freedom to ask for what you want, instead of always waiting for permission.
5. The freedom to take risks on you own behalf, instead of choosing to be only “secure.”

I can think of no other set of affirmations that can be so life-changing than these five freedoms. Allowing them would result in a world of authenticity--no more hiding, no more closets, no more "playing it safe for others."

Today's challenge: choose at least one of the Five Freedoms and make it today's mantra.

Friendship, Love, and Buddyship: Incomplete thoughts on the concept of compassionability

“No relationship is perfect, ever. There are always some ways you have to bend, to compromise, to give something up in order to gain something greater...The love we have for each other is bigger than these small differences. And that's the key. It's like a big pie chart, and the love in a relationship has to be the biggest piece. Love can make up for a lot.”

― Sarah Dessen, This Lullaby

The week of Valentine's Day has been tumultuous--mostly in good ways, but not without enough shennanigans to get me thinking about what's important in relationships.

Friendship, buddyship, and love are ways of being present with others. They have common characteristics, hallmarks.

Simplicity--maybe not contextually--we have to continue to traverse our way through many unknowns. And many of these unknowns lead to stubbing our toes, tripping, falling, making errors. Sometimes we get bruised--hopefully not intentionally. But sometimes, even as we strive for simplicity we encounter rickety stairs and slick hills.

We are human. We lose our patience. Sometimes lose our temper and act abruptly. In our deepest moments of humanity--which I hope are frequent--we notice our compassionability, our capacity and ability to be, express and accept compassion. This is a hallmark, not only of healthy relationships, but also of intrapersonal strength.  Developing  or expressing compassionability can be daunting.

Perhaps we've made choices that limit our abilities to easily express love and friendship. After all, we're socialized to check boxes--to be either or rather than both and. But of course the experience of humanity is not nice and neat. It is messy, requires spontaneity; it has peaks and valleys. At our own highest highs we revel in awareness, laughter, humor, and buddyships. At our lowest lows we question ourselves. We allow our minds to be overwhelmed with doubt--perhaps shame and regret. I find that no affective state is more distressful than regret--the desire to un-do an action or statement. When we're low, we feel isolated and discontent; raw and unsafely vulnerable. Learning from regret and then letting it go is an important skill. Like the monk who used the canoe to cross the river and then left it behind--because he no longer needed it--we use life as a series of lessons--not a room that gets overfilled with items we no longer need.

Love and friendship are solution-focused. Friends, buddys, partners and lovers seek out and embrace opportunities to care for and express caring and concern for one another. Conversely, we thoughtuflly walk away from temptations to blame, take jabs, or make accusatory statements.

We keep our sights set high on the belief that we each have something good to offer one another--that we are partners in a common, higher principle.

Love and friendship have a sense of balance. Relationships have reciprocity, equanimity, homeostasis. We offer support but we also ask for it. We know our strengths and share them--as supports and as lessons.

We are teachers and students of one another. That is an important hallmark; our appreciation and respect of our interconnectivity. We likewise recognize and address our weaknesses. We ask for help from those stonger and wiser--and we accept and respond to valid criticisms of our weaknesses.

Compassionability  resides with our negative emotions (remember, we're human). So don't bother to try to extinguish negative emotions--rather, strive to allow your ability to be compassionate to be the primary source of decision-making when faced with a surprisingly challenge person or situation.

Some pointers on how to cultivate these halmarks:

1. Always take time for lunch...to go to a quiet spot, perhaps a park--and read a book that a buddy suggested.
2. Find a time in the day to listen to silence.
3. Strive to go 24 hours without complaining; repeat.
4. Notice the lives of others.
5. If you see the same people every day, make sure you introduce yourself; know the name of the guy who lockers next to you.
6. Take a subtle no for an answer, but don't read things into everything.
7. Sing along.
8.  Forgive the past. We've all been saints and sinners...and we'll continue to be.

Patience: A Reflection on the First Month of 2012

January 2012 was a time for gaining patience and building a little resilience.

So, in looking back at the goals I've set I've learned a few things. Here's the report.

Big Life Stuff
I have reduced my email inbox from nearly 3000 emails (most spam and unread) to 66 (5 unread). I've also set a few minutes aside each day to throw things away at work. And I donated about 20 items of clothing to Goodwill. So a little progress has been made with my effort to simplify.

Food & Fitness
Camping trip is getting planned...

I've lost 5 lbs and doing pretty well on the eating plan thanks to Lose It.

I've increased my intake of fresh vegetables and low-starch vegetables, but I continue to have wine with dinner...so that particular objective is kind of a wash. More work to do there.

Green tea: check (thanks, Jeff!). And the effort to eat more Omega-3 is going well (you can easily find it in a lot of foods if you just look).

I could drink more milk; gotta work on that one. And thanks to Mark H., I'm doing a little bit of strength training throughout the week.

Running is good! Jeff and I got in 94 miles in January, just 6 miles short of our 100-miles-per-month goal (I slowed us down due to a couple of health/injury problems--more on those in a future blogpost). I'm set to run two 5Ks this month. The Advantage Health Heart & Sole 5K and Dash Down Division.

No progress on the destination run...maybe Boone, NC.

Thinking & Writing
A couple of ideas for a manuscript, but no words on paper yet.

I am much more organized at work, but then again, there's always room for improvement with that one--the nature of my work requires me to be planful and spontaneous...so there are days when I swim upstream.

And I haven't read a thing in January...but the books are chosen and sitting on the table.


Being Present
I have been much more mindful of spending and have made some progress on that one. That's a long, steep hill, but I'll climb it!

Other objectives in this category need some work, too.

Patience: A bit of summary.
I'm indebted to Michael Lewin's blog for this excerpt:

Nikos Kazantzakis, author of Zorba the Greek and The Last Temptation of Christ, once wrote movingly about a chrysalis that he came across nestled in an olive tree. The infant butterfly, within its cocoon, was just starting to break through to greet a new life when Kazantzakis, anxious to shorten the natural process, breathed intensely on it. The butterfly eventually emerged, but because it was prematurely induced, its wings were insufficiently formed. Unable to take flight, the butterfly soon died. This intervention, in nature’s slow, unfolding of a life, gave Kazantzakis a stirring lesson to reflect upon. If he had let nature take its own course, if he had been more mindful and patient, the small butterfly would have felt the expression of life through its wings, but because Kazantzakis impatiently intervened in a process that he did not fully understand, he had unintentionally denied this butterfly a life.

Setting goals is a step--an important one, but merely a step. I, nor anyone can be the end product over night. Be kind to yourself...don't hurry the process. Stay the course. 

Floating

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”
― Rainer Maria Rilke

2011: The Year of New and Renewed Friendships

In looking back over the past year I realize even more how necessary friendship is for personal contentment.

Many years ago when I was in college I saw a production of Stephen Sondheim's A Little Night Music. That musical is a study in triads and trios. All of the music is in 3/4 time (like waltzes) and the story lines explore relationships among three individuals, three combinations of individuals, and three compelling identities.

For example, Anne and Frederick are newly married, although Anne is apprehensive to consumate the marriage while Frederick muses over his past love Desiree.

In the background, Henrik, Frederick's son plays the cello which both charms and irritates Anne, who is closer in age to Henrik than to her new husband.

So: Anne/Frederick/Desiree; Anne/Frederick/Henrick. The musical continues to play out scenarios of couples comprised of individuals who each long for just a bit more. It is an elegant tale of the hope for having one's cake and eating it too.

What I remember most about that particular production was the elegance of the choreography. The stage hands--those folks who do the set changes between scenes--were dressed in formal wear and for each set change danced while moving furniture and other set properties.

The metaphor of elegance was woven throughout that production. While the quality of relationships ebbed and flowed, no one was visibly injured. The musical is robust with disappointments, embarrassing moments, and even regrets. But the characters take life's surprises with dignity--and they allow others the same grace.

Healthy social lives should include enough room to take risks, love passionately, make mistakes, and grow--all without the bother of cheap shots from onlookers.

During 2011 I grew a lot. Late in 2010 a social network friend, Mark had a bad break up with his partner. He posted on Facebook a brief, but poignant statement about that devastation. Although we only knew each other from FB, I felt compelled to reach out to Mark, and so began an important friendship which culminated (thus far) to my traveling out of state to meet and enjoy a lovely dinner with him. That friendship came about because of mutual trust and openness to being fully present, even with a stranger.

Later in 2011 I struck up a conversation with an acquaintance from my gym. A casual conversation uncovered mutual feelings of wandering through life--two guys in midlife trying to remember our purposes. From that conversation came a renewed commitment to running, hundreds of miles on the streets of Grand Rapids at all hours of the early morning, several 5Ks, a 10K, and a half marathon with each of us making PRs. There is no more important friendship in my life now than the one I have with my running buddy.

I also enjoyed rekindling a great college relationship with my lovely and inspiring friend, Breisa. We bantered back and forth on FB and through email about running, Buddhism, health, the amazing things that happen on life's journey, and memories of college. In the late summer we had the wonderful, but sad opportunity to meet up at our college homecoming. Sadly, the homecoming also included a memorial service for our beloved faculty member, Dr. Lawerence Campbell, a brilliant pianist who died too young. 

Somewhere in the midst of the year I also struck up a friendship heightened by an ongoing thread of email about life, relationships, running, balance with another Mark. A remarkable athlete whose sensitivity, insight, and humility all inspire me to listen more, run harder, and be true to my intuition.

There are many other friends who I've not mentioned here who each contribute to my renewed sense of wholeness. My partner, all those at IWU's homecoming that I reconnected with, Jack, who continues to be a shining star in my heart, Art whose daily patience is miraculous...my life is a joyful combination of the good of many.

I began this post with a comment about trios and that theme is present in my life: my morning life, or what is sometimes jokingly referred to as my "Westside Life;" my work life, and my home life. These three aspects of me bring balance. The Westside Life includes running through Grand Rapids' culturally complex Polish and Lithuanian westside, my love of the Westsider Diner, and my (new) membership to a Polish hall. My work life is equally necessary--I love my work, my colleagues, the students and the mission of GRCC. And my home life is a miracle...nearly 20 years with John, hosting such a cast of wonderful friends throughout the years, our Chihuahuas and cat...it just doesn't get any better. These three sides of me each make my life grand.

2011's lessons:

Friendship and love are always right in front of us. We need only notice those moments, those opportunities. Too often, I think, we get caught up in replaying drama, telling stories of little horrors from the day--what went wrong at work, what family member acted out, what feeling got hurt. In 2012 take time to notice the abundance of love and friendship in the world. Take time to offer a hand to someone...and reach up and allow yourself to accept a hand when it's extended.

Goals for 2012

Big Life Stuff
My theme for 2012 is moderation and simplicity. I've found that I just carry too much stuff around...physically and mentally. I overpack my briefcase and overthink my ideas and concerns. Someone, I think Jack Kornfield said, "Our minds are like busy tourists. Shopping for things unnecessary to pack into closets already full." In 2012 I will strive to minimize, cut back, simplify, and bring clarity to situations. I also will purge closets, file cabinets, and online folders. And clean my desk more often.

Food & Fitness
During 2011 I discovered a new joy in being outdoors. Once a fan of treadmills and television, I now run outside almost every day. On days when weather is just too nasty, I run the indoor track, but even that takes a lot of patience (and good company!). To more fully take advantage of this new found appreciation of being outside, I'm going camping in 2012. Perhaps a long weekend with a destination run as the centerpiece.

I need to drop some pounds. Calorie Counter says I should weigh 124, which seems impossibly light to me. I'm aiming for 140, which means losing 17 lbs. A breakdown of a healthy plan would look like this:

Daily Calorie Goal: 2041
Carbs: 1020
Protein: 510
Fats: 510

To accomplish this goal I will eat at least one fruit or low-starch vegetable at breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And I'm making a commitment to "three-days dry" per week...probably Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays will be no-booze days. The pounds and puffiness are just not worth it.

I'll also drink at least 2 cups of green tea 5 days a week. It's supposed to boost metabolism and has a bunch of other good qualities...and it's easy. So, I'm in!

I need more Omega-3. And since I can't eat fish, I'm going for walnuts. But just a basic serving size, which is 1 ounce or 14 halves.

And more milk. I rarely drink milk, although I like it. I just need to get in the habit. Maybe every night before bed.

Finally, I'm going to lift or do some sort of weight training at least twice a week. Gaining muscle boosts metabolism and helps shed pounds.

I will run at least 3 5Ks, 3 10Ks, and two longer races--probably half-marathons. I'm already registered for the Fifth Third River Bank Run which is a 25K. And, along with Jeff, I've set a finish goal of 2:28. I'm also aiming for at least one destination run...maybe San Francisco next December so that we can see our friend, Kien and get back to the homeland.

Thinking and Writing
I am striving to write more...and have at least one manuscript published.

I also will get more organized at work. This past year I had a change of assignment, which expanded my responsibilities. I can do everything I've been asked, but the changes really disrupted my rhythm...so I will implement a better plan that blocks out time for the most essential  tasks. I can control my calendar.

I have a great stack of books to read...I'll get those done one-by-one.

Being Present
I'm not as thoughtful as I could be about spending money or anything to do with financial planning. During 2012 I will be more attentive to spending wisely, saving money and being frugal. Sorry, American Express.

My morning runs have become my time for meditation. But, while I am delighted with the changes in running, I need to set time aside to meditate and to listen to some of the great podcasts on Zencast.

I also need to see Jack...so a trip to Lakeland is on the list, too.

Finally
I'll keep at least bi-weekly posts on my progress with these goals. And I look forward to some coaching!

Prayer of an Anonymous Abbess

“Prayer of an Anonymous Abbess:

Lord, thou knowest better than myself that I am growing older and will soon be old. Keep me from becoming too talkative, and especially from the unfortunate habit of thinking that I must say something on every subject and at every opportunity.

Release me from the idea that I must straighten out other peoples' affairs. With my immense treasure of experience and wisdom, it seems a pity not to let everybody partake of it. But thou knowest, Lord, that in the end I will need a few friends.

Keep me from the recital of endless details; give me wings to get to the point.

Grant me the patience to listen to the complaints of others; help me to endure them with charity. But seal my lips on my own aches and pains -- they increase with the increasing years and my inclination to recount them is also increasing.

I will not ask thee for improved memory, only for a little more humility and less self-assurance when my own memory doesn't agree with that of others. Teach me the glorious lesson that occasionally I may be wrong.

Keep me reasonably gentle. I do not have the ambition to become a saint -- it is so hard to live with some of them -- but a harsh old person is one of the devil's masterpieces.

Make me sympathetic without being sentimental, helpful but not bossy. Let me discover merits where I had not expected them, and talents in people whom I had not thought to possess any. And, Lord, give me the grace to tell them so.

Amen”

Margot Benary-Isbert