Floating

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”
― Rainer Maria Rilke

2011: The Year of New and Renewed Friendships

In looking back over the past year I realize even more how necessary friendship is for personal contentment.

Many years ago when I was in college I saw a production of Stephen Sondheim's A Little Night Music. That musical is a study in triads and trios. All of the music is in 3/4 time (like waltzes) and the story lines explore relationships among three individuals, three combinations of individuals, and three compelling identities.

For example, Anne and Frederick are newly married, although Anne is apprehensive to consumate the marriage while Frederick muses over his past love Desiree.

In the background, Henrik, Frederick's son plays the cello which both charms and irritates Anne, who is closer in age to Henrik than to her new husband.

So: Anne/Frederick/Desiree; Anne/Frederick/Henrick. The musical continues to play out scenarios of couples comprised of individuals who each long for just a bit more. It is an elegant tale of the hope for having one's cake and eating it too.

What I remember most about that particular production was the elegance of the choreography. The stage hands--those folks who do the set changes between scenes--were dressed in formal wear and for each set change danced while moving furniture and other set properties.

The metaphor of elegance was woven throughout that production. While the quality of relationships ebbed and flowed, no one was visibly injured. The musical is robust with disappointments, embarrassing moments, and even regrets. But the characters take life's surprises with dignity--and they allow others the same grace.

Healthy social lives should include enough room to take risks, love passionately, make mistakes, and grow--all without the bother of cheap shots from onlookers.

During 2011 I grew a lot. Late in 2010 a social network friend, Mark had a bad break up with his partner. He posted on Facebook a brief, but poignant statement about that devastation. Although we only knew each other from FB, I felt compelled to reach out to Mark, and so began an important friendship which culminated (thus far) to my traveling out of state to meet and enjoy a lovely dinner with him. That friendship came about because of mutual trust and openness to being fully present, even with a stranger.

Later in 2011 I struck up a conversation with an acquaintance from my gym. A casual conversation uncovered mutual feelings of wandering through life--two guys in midlife trying to remember our purposes. From that conversation came a renewed commitment to running, hundreds of miles on the streets of Grand Rapids at all hours of the early morning, several 5Ks, a 10K, and a half marathon with each of us making PRs. There is no more important friendship in my life now than the one I have with my running buddy.

I also enjoyed rekindling a great college relationship with my lovely and inspiring friend, Breisa. We bantered back and forth on FB and through email about running, Buddhism, health, the amazing things that happen on life's journey, and memories of college. In the late summer we had the wonderful, but sad opportunity to meet up at our college homecoming. Sadly, the homecoming also included a memorial service for our beloved faculty member, Dr. Lawerence Campbell, a brilliant pianist who died too young. 

Somewhere in the midst of the year I also struck up a friendship heightened by an ongoing thread of email about life, relationships, running, balance with another Mark. A remarkable athlete whose sensitivity, insight, and humility all inspire me to listen more, run harder, and be true to my intuition.

There are many other friends who I've not mentioned here who each contribute to my renewed sense of wholeness. My partner, all those at IWU's homecoming that I reconnected with, Jack, who continues to be a shining star in my heart, Art whose daily patience is miraculous...my life is a joyful combination of the good of many.

I began this post with a comment about trios and that theme is present in my life: my morning life, or what is sometimes jokingly referred to as my "Westside Life;" my work life, and my home life. These three aspects of me bring balance. The Westside Life includes running through Grand Rapids' culturally complex Polish and Lithuanian westside, my love of the Westsider Diner, and my (new) membership to a Polish hall. My work life is equally necessary--I love my work, my colleagues, the students and the mission of GRCC. And my home life is a miracle...nearly 20 years with John, hosting such a cast of wonderful friends throughout the years, our Chihuahuas and cat...it just doesn't get any better. These three sides of me each make my life grand.

2011's lessons:

Friendship and love are always right in front of us. We need only notice those moments, those opportunities. Too often, I think, we get caught up in replaying drama, telling stories of little horrors from the day--what went wrong at work, what family member acted out, what feeling got hurt. In 2012 take time to notice the abundance of love and friendship in the world. Take time to offer a hand to someone...and reach up and allow yourself to accept a hand when it's extended.

Goals for 2012

Big Life Stuff
My theme for 2012 is moderation and simplicity. I've found that I just carry too much stuff around...physically and mentally. I overpack my briefcase and overthink my ideas and concerns. Someone, I think Jack Kornfield said, "Our minds are like busy tourists. Shopping for things unnecessary to pack into closets already full." In 2012 I will strive to minimize, cut back, simplify, and bring clarity to situations. I also will purge closets, file cabinets, and online folders. And clean my desk more often.

Food & Fitness
During 2011 I discovered a new joy in being outdoors. Once a fan of treadmills and television, I now run outside almost every day. On days when weather is just too nasty, I run the indoor track, but even that takes a lot of patience (and good company!). To more fully take advantage of this new found appreciation of being outside, I'm going camping in 2012. Perhaps a long weekend with a destination run as the centerpiece.

I need to drop some pounds. Calorie Counter says I should weigh 124, which seems impossibly light to me. I'm aiming for 140, which means losing 17 lbs. A breakdown of a healthy plan would look like this:

Daily Calorie Goal: 2041
Carbs: 1020
Protein: 510
Fats: 510

To accomplish this goal I will eat at least one fruit or low-starch vegetable at breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And I'm making a commitment to "three-days dry" per week...probably Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays will be no-booze days. The pounds and puffiness are just not worth it.

I'll also drink at least 2 cups of green tea 5 days a week. It's supposed to boost metabolism and has a bunch of other good qualities...and it's easy. So, I'm in!

I need more Omega-3. And since I can't eat fish, I'm going for walnuts. But just a basic serving size, which is 1 ounce or 14 halves.

And more milk. I rarely drink milk, although I like it. I just need to get in the habit. Maybe every night before bed.

Finally, I'm going to lift or do some sort of weight training at least twice a week. Gaining muscle boosts metabolism and helps shed pounds.

I will run at least 3 5Ks, 3 10Ks, and two longer races--probably half-marathons. I'm already registered for the Fifth Third River Bank Run which is a 25K. And, along with Jeff, I've set a finish goal of 2:28. I'm also aiming for at least one destination run...maybe San Francisco next December so that we can see our friend, Kien and get back to the homeland.

Thinking and Writing
I am striving to write more...and have at least one manuscript published.

I also will get more organized at work. This past year I had a change of assignment, which expanded my responsibilities. I can do everything I've been asked, but the changes really disrupted my rhythm...so I will implement a better plan that blocks out time for the most essential  tasks. I can control my calendar.

I have a great stack of books to read...I'll get those done one-by-one.

Being Present
I'm not as thoughtful as I could be about spending money or anything to do with financial planning. During 2012 I will be more attentive to spending wisely, saving money and being frugal. Sorry, American Express.

My morning runs have become my time for meditation. But, while I am delighted with the changes in running, I need to set time aside to meditate and to listen to some of the great podcasts on Zencast.

I also need to see Jack...so a trip to Lakeland is on the list, too.

Finally
I'll keep at least bi-weekly posts on my progress with these goals. And I look forward to some coaching!

Prayer of an Anonymous Abbess

“Prayer of an Anonymous Abbess:

Lord, thou knowest better than myself that I am growing older and will soon be old. Keep me from becoming too talkative, and especially from the unfortunate habit of thinking that I must say something on every subject and at every opportunity.

Release me from the idea that I must straighten out other peoples' affairs. With my immense treasure of experience and wisdom, it seems a pity not to let everybody partake of it. But thou knowest, Lord, that in the end I will need a few friends.

Keep me from the recital of endless details; give me wings to get to the point.

Grant me the patience to listen to the complaints of others; help me to endure them with charity. But seal my lips on my own aches and pains -- they increase with the increasing years and my inclination to recount them is also increasing.

I will not ask thee for improved memory, only for a little more humility and less self-assurance when my own memory doesn't agree with that of others. Teach me the glorious lesson that occasionally I may be wrong.

Keep me reasonably gentle. I do not have the ambition to become a saint -- it is so hard to live with some of them -- but a harsh old person is one of the devil's masterpieces.

Make me sympathetic without being sentimental, helpful but not bossy. Let me discover merits where I had not expected them, and talents in people whom I had not thought to possess any. And, Lord, give me the grace to tell them so.

Amen”

Margot Benary-Isbert

How Wide Should the Path Be?

Over the past month or so several friends have asked me questions. The list below summarizes the questions:

• How do we balance close friendships with marriage or partnership?
• How do I get my social needs met without marring my primary relationship?
• How do I have intimacy, commitment, and passion in friendships that complement--not threaten the intimacy, commitment, and passion in my romantic relationship?
• Is it fair to be asked to choose one over the other?

I've asked myself many of these same questions...

Of course there is no one right response to any of these very complex questions. Because the questions jog around in my mind and heart, I've decided to offer some random thoughts, though.

All of us benefit from having several close friendships. Friendship has been shown to prolong life, increase quality of life, and decrease stress and occurrences of illness.

Relationships...romantic, friendships...even work relationships have three components:

1. Intimacy--the feelings of connectedness that we have without effort--that we just click;
2. Passion--the unstoppable physical reactions that we have to one another. Be it a shared sense of humor or sexual--it doesn't matter--it's the naturalness of it that is important;
3. Commitment--the part that happens in our heads--the active decision to call the relationship something...best friends, running buddies, lover, partner, spouse...to give the relationship a public name.

The combination of any two of these determines the type of relationship we have. But I think it's necessary that the two in the relationship understand the relationship in the same way. If one partner experiences commitment, but no passion or intimacy while the other feels passion, but no commitment nor intimacy...well...you get the picture.

Adaptability
Relationships gain strength when they have elasticity...the ability to stretch to accommodate the changes that partners experience. This is just like birth. The bones have to have some flexibility to allow new life to emerge. It hurts...the benefits are greater than the pain. But monitoring the relationship(s) [i.e., friendships, romantic relationships, family, etc] is necessary. Active reflection allows for growth.

Trust is good
And complex. Each couple or individual has to determine the parameters of relationships. And we all change over time. So, the longer-term the relationship, the more complex the enactment of trust. Trust is built over time, but all couples make mistakes....so the level of resiliency within the couple will ebb and flow. This experience allows for strength to develop. Strong relationships have endured successes and failures. We learn about ourselves and one another by allowing for trial and error. Are some mistakes unrecoverable? Perhaps. The partners of each romantic relationship decide that.

Joy in life is necessary
It has to come from somewhere. It may come from many sources. I believe it is necessary to develop the ability to notice joy--opening the door for someone, offering a smile, helping a stranger with groceries...being in awe of nature. I myself find joy in my surroundings while running. One morning earlier this week it was foggy and misty, with occasional mist. The Grand River looked like glass; the yellow, orange, red leaves on the autumn trees was magnificent. Yesterday during our run around Reeds Lake it was sunny, unusually warm for a November Michigan morning...there were many runners out, the sun was brilliant, the lower Bonnell trail muddy from the melted snow. Some runners might choose to focus purely on their running--pace, gait, breaths per minute. But many, perhaps most notice the scenery.

Having daily joy brings life to life. Never ignore opportunities for cultivating joy.

Talk
Talk. Then talk some more. Words have such healing power...struggling to find the right ones cultivates compassion--for self and others. It is good to be silent sometimes, but language is water and sunshine to relationships.

Breathe.
Be selfish...take time every day to indulge in something for yourself. Have a peppermint patty, go out and get a milkshake...take time to read...whatever...you rejuvenate when you have time alone.

Generosity
Be friends with others. Share an apple fritter with a buddy. Practice being kind. Developing the skill of generosity is a good thing. Share your skills, knowledge, wisdom, company with others...


Relationships are always complex. Don't be scared. And don't accept bad relationships. You deserve the best.

“A person isn't who they are during the last conversation you had with them - they're who they've been throughout your whole relationship.”
― Rainer Maria Rilke

Taste Every Ounce of Friendship

“Live. And Live Well.

BREATHE. Breathe in and Breathe deeply.

Be PRESENT. Do
not be past. Do not be future. Be now.

On a crystal clear, breezy 70 degree day,
roll down the windows and

FEEL the wind against your skin. Feel the warmth of
the sun.

If you run, then allow those first few breaths on a cool Autumn day to

FREEZE your lungs and do not just be alarmed, be ALIVE.

Get knee-deep in a novel
and LOSE track of time.

If you bike, pedal HARDER and if you crash then crash
well.

Feel the SATISFACTION of a job well done-a paper well-written, a project
thoroughly completed, a play well-performed.

If you must wipe the snot from your
3-year old's nose, don't be disgusted if the Kleenex didn't catch it all

because soon he'll be wiping his own.

If you've recently experienced loss, then
GRIEVE. And Grieve well.

At the table with friends and family, LAUGH.

If you're
eating and laughing at the same time, then might as well laugh until you puke.

And if you eat, then SMELL.

The aromas are not impediments to your day. Steak on
the grill, coffee beans freshly ground, cookies in the oven.

And TASTE.

Taste every ounce of flavor.

Taste every ounce of friendship.

Taste every ounce of Life.

Because-it-is-most-definitely-a-Gift.”

Kyle Lake

Friendship as Art

As in all the arts, there is complexity in friendship. Artistotle wrote,

“What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies.”

We sometimes meet those individuals who, if and as we let them get to know us and we them, seem to be variations on the theme that we use to identify ourselves. I have several close friends...you know who you are, so I won’t call each of you out. These are friends with whom I can completely relax; speak freely, imagine anything, and in whom I seek wisdom and comfort. Not (necessarily) the comfort that is need-based (although sometimes that is the case). But more often, that comfort me when the world seems chaotic or peevish.

These are moments when I don’t need the comfort that comes from good advice, but rather the comfort that arises when one feels deeply understood. As if my best friends have had exactly the same feeling that I’ve had or am having. The mystical treasured moment that announces, “You’re not alone.”

Discovering friends is an art more than a skill. Beyond the mechanics of making friends, perhaps like we did as children, the art of friendship requires
spontaneity,
the ability to be vulnerable,
trust,
and a willingness to take new journeys--through ones’ mind and heart and through new roads, trails, and pathways.

Through friendships--deep friendships (which I find more and more don’t need years to develop--just attention and sincerity)--I’ve discovered characteristics of myself previously uncovered.


I believe in the permeability of being--that we are all connected in some way--through sharing air, the Earth, the sunshine, the reflective light of moonfall...by the sound waves made by our speech, by music, the crash of the ocean, the barking of a dog; the cries of babies. Events, sounds, and experiences that we have on our own, but rarely by ourselves.

We are woven together.

When we discover the particular knots in this net of social connectivity, we can linger, feeling the complexity of the various threads that hold us together in deep friendships. Friendships that go beyond description.