Merry Christmas, from me and Eddie!

“Dwell on the beauty of life. Watch the stars, and see yourself running with them.” 

Marcus Aurelius

18 Ways to Put Stress in its Place

In the arms of friendship, stress is forgotten.

1.     Remember the compassion within your heart. Take time to write a thank you note to someone just for being them. Surprise a friend with your friendship.

2.     Learn something new today. A poem, a song; learn a dance step or a card trick. Stress is reduced when our minds rejoice in their ability to learn.

3.     Be creative today. Paint, journal, blog, plant something. Make a sandwich.

4.     Get physical. Exercise of any level helps blood move and awakens our senses. Do what you can—a little or a lot. Tap your fingers to music—anything. Love your body and its abilities.

5.     Make a list of heroes. Who in your life has made a difference? How did you grow because of your relationship with them? Were they a teacher? A member of the clergy? A co-worker? Maybe you have many! Write all of their names down and celebrate your relationships.

6.     Feel. Stress often comes about due to our tendencies to shove difficult feelings aside. But feelings don’t go away. They might hide in your stomach, your neck and shoulders, your head. Feelings are a part of our life. Make friends with all of them. Say, “Hello, sadness. I see you’ve come by for a visit. What shall we talk about…well, it’s time for you to go now.”

7.     Watch a comedy. Laughing releases all kinds of great endorphins, chemicals, and energy. Watch cartoons (the really good classic ones!). Or an episode of your favorite old sitcom like Seinfeld or something.

8.     Meditate, pray, or take a trip into nature. Remember that your life is part of an immense and wondrous world. Listen to your inner spirit; listen to your breath. Be quiet and still. Count ants or pine trees or stars. Be thrilled at the world.

9.     Let go of something that has led to stress. A memory of anger, hurt, or sadness. Write it a good-bye note and be done with it. Liberate yourself from one thing that has been lingering.

10.  Clean a messy garage or junk drawer. Put something in order. Throw away useless papers or other items. Tidy up!

11.  Donate something today. Your time, or ability to fix a bike or make chili. Bring joy to someone’s life. Give someone a smile. Open the door for someone you don’t know.

12.  Start a book or see a movie that you’ve been thinking about. It might be a book or film that you’ve seen before—a favorite—or you might take a gamble on something new. Make learning something new an adventure!

13.  Write the title of your autobiography. What would the story of your life be called? Then outline the names of the book’s chapters. What would Chapter 1 be? Chapter 2? What Chapter are you in now? What will be next? It’s YOUR story, so make it anything you want it to be!

14.  Read or write some long overdue greeting cards. Write a thank you note.

15.  Call an old friend. Just say, “Hi! I was just thinking about you.” Bring a conversation of friendship to someone. Oftentimes, giving someone something relieves stress. Stress, our new friend, has to make room for our other friend, Generosity.

16.  Go to the Grand Rapids Public Museum, Art Museum, Frederick Meijer Gardens, or some other place where you can see great art. Be blown away by creativity. Have fun; people watch!

17.  Go to one of the malls  or a park and watch kids play.  Watching children reminds us of how miraculous life is.

18.  Set some goals. Maybe just one for today, maybe for the week or for the year. Remember that your life is a journey. Plan a route. All kinds of obstacles may come your way (that happens to everyone), but always have a plan!

December 4: Personal Day of Compassion

Remember the compassion within your heart.

Take time to write a thank you note to someone just for being them.

Surprise a friend with your love.

December 3 De-Stressor

1

Victor Frankl said, “The last of the human freedoms is the freedom to choose our spirit in any circumstance.” He was right.

Today, choose an uplifting, inspired spirit of living!

Making friends with stress

  

I often am asked to give talks on stress management. A few years ago I began to provide a handout that listed stress busters for each day of the month. 

I find December to be especially stressful--holidays, too much junk food, managing money, the skies turn gray...even with the very much appreciated merriment of friends and tinsel, I really have to take time to be in touch with my stress and make friends with it.

Here are two de-stressers, one for December 1 and the other for December 2. Look for one a day throughout the whole month!

December 1: Stress is a part of life. Today, give it a name, an identity. Let it know that it has a home, but not free reign. Set rules for stress. Make it a respectful friend. You don’t need to love it; just get along.

December 2: Throw off regrets. Stress often talks us into believing that life would be better if we had made different choices. Maybe so; maybe not. For now, you only have this moment. Put regrets into a box and out of the way. Embrace today.

Suffering

Suffering

I listen, again, as believers,
one, two, and three, sing songs
of the end of pain, of happiness,
and of generous hearts.

Meanwhile, my own suffering,
so evident and open to sight,
lays on the table between us,
ignored, without response,
undignified, and beneath contempt.
As if the thing itself was
an inconvenience, an interruption
of joy, a nuisance which slows
them from reaching their spiritual goals.

And you ask me why I excuse myself,
leaving the invisible thing
in their midst, and closing
the door, to stroll away,
through the quiet lights of dawn.

- Jon Jackson

He came to sell me books

Would you like to buy some books?

I've plenty of books.
Thank you.

But these are life-changing books.
Here are some Dr. Seuss books.
And here is an entire set of children's encyclopedias. You receive one a month until you have the entire set.

Yes, I'll take those.
The Dr. Seuss books and the encyclopedias.
I will read them from cover to cover.
I'll know words. And see how rhymes and wit are created.
And how the world works.

I have more books for you to buy. These are text books. You have to have them. You could rent them, but I think it's better to buy them. That way you'll have them forever.

Yes. Yes, I should buy them. Space is tight on the shelf, but I'll find a place for them. How many are there?

Well, that's a hard question. Learning is a lifetime activity. You'll probably need to buy about 12 text books each year.

For how long?

For a very long time.

Is it a subscription?

Sort of. You can cancel at anytime. Well, not really at any time. But any time after the first eight years, although it is not advised.

Okay. Which ones should I buy first?

Oh, the reading books and arithmetic and science are the best books to start with. And later you can add books on social science, art, theatre, and music. You cannot have enough music books.

And so the books began to fill my life. Shelf after shelf became full. And then they appeared in stacks on my bedside table...and on the coffee table, and I began to buy more shelves, and they found their way into plastic storage bins. They were everywhere; they are everywhere.

The books became more complicated. He continued selling them to me.

Here are some categories of books that I suggest you consider:

• Adolescence: Why it is Important and How to Have Social Conflict, Inner Turmoil, and Daily Existential Crises at Least Hourly for Six-Eight Years (And Share with Others).
• Religion: How to Do What You're Told, Believe without Questioning, and Develop Expertise in the Cycle of Shame, Blame, and Forgiveness.
• Career: Determining Your Talents and Interests and then Comparing Those to What Will Bring You the Greatest Monetary Rewards.
• Higher Education: Why the Joy of Learning Will Always Be Greater than the Number of Opportunities to Share Knowledge.
• Relationships: Surviving on the Continuum of Family, Friends, Lovers, and Co-Workers--Why Being Genuine and Honest Rarely Pay Off.
• Recreation: How to Determine What is Best for You and Then Struggle to Fit It In to Your Daily Existence (Without Pissing Everyone Off).
• Aging: Conquering the Myths.

I have books.

Well, by this stage of my life, I think I've read nearly all of these. Some were very helpful. But many left me feeling empty, confused, or as though I just wasn't getting it.

Thank you for the books. I will continue reading some of these and others. But I think I have to put some of the books down to make time for living. For getting out and learning by doing. It's been helpful to learn from what others write about. I've read those books, marked passages, written reflections, and completed end-of-the-chapter exercises and activities. I've even encouraged others to read these books.

I even give books as gifts.

But now I need to pay attention to me, and the world, and other people.

Would you like to buy some books?

Say It

"I'm Free"

Do you see what I see
A rainbow shining over us
In the middle of a hopeless storm
Sometimes I'm blinded by my feelings
And I can't see beyond my troubled mind
Afraid of what I'll find
The story of our lives
But there's tomorrow.

Cause I'm free, I'm free
And things are only as important

As I want them to be
We'll have a breath of sunshine
When the rain goes away
I pray, I pray.

Do you need a friend right now?
In the road that you're going to
If you get lost just call me I'll be there
Yes I'll be right there
Cause though I may not have the answer
At least I know what I'm looking for.

Yes I can do without sorrow
There's a day after tomorrow
So I'm leaving behind.

I'm free, I'm free
And things are only as important

As I want them to be
We'll have a breath of sunshine
When the rain goes away
I pray, I pray.

And if you want to share my dreams
Well all you have to do is say it, say it
Let me hear you loud and clear
Cause I need you if you wanna be, if you wanna be.

Do you see what I see
A rainbow shining over us
In the middle of a hopeless storm
We'll be safe and warm.

Camping Lessons

One of my goals for this year was to go camping--something that I've never done as an adult. John Muir wrote, “Thousands of tired, nerve-shaken, over-civilized people are beginning to find out going to the mountains is going home; that wilderness is a necessity...”

That's so true.

After just a short three-and-a-half day camping trip I learned some things:

1. Shorts and a t-shirt are the most any man should wear, especially during Michigan's summers.
2. A fishing hat comes in handy to protect against sun, but count on looking ridiculous.
3. Avoid mirrors (see #2).
4. A clean camper is a happy camper.
5. Showering outdoors is heaven.
6. It is never too early for a good cold beer, especially if it is from Founders Brewing Company.
7. Camping is no excuse for bad food. We had nachos, frittata, steak kabobs (even me, the vegetarian!--and they were delicious), upside down pineapple doughnuts (that were beyond delicious), and Guinness Cakes. And cava, of course.
8. I've never been in a kayak, but after 10-minutes of expert instruction, I made it all the way across Pentwater Lake--and was greeted with cheers, a bag of Sun Chips, and a cold one.
9. If a fat man on a scooter falls over, stop and help him up.
10. If you're given the keys to a 5-speed Ford-150 on a dirt path, drive it like you own it.
11. Coleman Biowipes are perhaps one of the most useful inventions ever.
12. The most important thoughts and conversations you might have are most likely to happen in the utter blackness of night in a forest with only the sounds of crickets.
13. Muir was right. Wilderness is a necessity.

Lessons

I would much rather be with those who openly express their feelings, including fear, pain, and hurt rather than those who seem as though they have such strength that they are exempt from the  realities of life. Authenticity includes the skillful ability to be fully present with all feelings, not just those that society has deemed alright.

It is as important to be able to accept an apology as it is to be able to offer one.

Every day the earth shakes a little bit...sometimes it's gentle, other times there are jolts. This dynamic will not change. We can only strive to have steady footing during the shaking.

The ability of our closest friends to awaken us to our sense of centeredness cannot be appreciated enough. To be with friends in all of our collective complexity is beautiful and voluptious...lusty.

Water & Rice

A “motherly heart” is a heart which maintains the Three Jewels as a parent cares for a child. A parent raises a child with deep love, regardless of poverty or difficulties. Their hearts cannot be understood by another; only a parent can understand it. A parent protects their child from heat or cold before worrying about whether they themselves are hot or cold. This kind of care can only be understood by those who have given rise to it and realized only by those who practice it. This, brought to its fullest, is how you must care for water and rice, as though they were your own children.

Crustless Spinach Quiche

My good friends, Jeff and Tish have a just-a-tad-more-than-two-years-old grandson whom they often entertain. Yesterday I made a quiche and at the last minute decided to double it, thinking that Jeff and Tish might like it. This morning Tish sent a photo of Gabe having it for breakfast! 

Oh, and it's crustless, which makes it even easier.

Here's the recipe:

1. Thaw a 10 oz package of frozen chopped spinach and let drain.
2. Preheat oven to 350.
3. Spray a 9" pie pan (metal or glass) with Pam.
4. Chop a medium to large sized onion.
5. Add about 1 tblsp olive oil to a medium sized sauté pan.
6. Saute the onion for about 6 minutes--just until it is soft, but not browned.
7. While the onion is sautéing, beat 5 eggs in a large bowl.
8. Add 3 cups shredded cheese to the beaten eggs (I use packaged swiss, but you could use mozzarella, a blend of Italian cheeses...whatever you like or have on hand. I tend to stay away from cheddar, since it has more fat and oil than I like).
9. Blend the eggs and cheese well.
10. Add the drained spinach to the onion and sauté just long enough for the remaining moisture to mostly steam off.
11. You don't have to, but I add about 1/8 cup vermouth to the spinach and onion, as well as a little salt, a lot of pepper, and whatever herbs I have around--thyme, oregano, whatever you like.
12. Once the spinach, onion and herb mixture have finished, take them off the heat and let them cool just a bit. At the same time, let the eggs and cheese come up to nearly room temperature.
13. You're going to add the spinach mixture to the eggs and cheese and so it's important to not add hot to cold--lest you scramble the eggs.

I usually have a beer or whiskey slush to let the time pass.

Then, once the temperature of everything is pretty good, fold the spinach mixture into the eggs and cheese.

Pour everything into the pie pan and place into the oven for about 35 minutes. If the top is not quite as golden as you like, crank up the broiler and watch the quiche closely for 1-2 minutes.

Take out of the oven and let set for at least 5 minutes.

Serve hot or let it cool down--it's great either way.

I serve it with a salad and a nice sparkling wine, like Cava or Prosecco.

The Real Reason I Love Running

GRCC Runners, Irish Jig, 2011

Giving material goods is one form of generosity, but one can extend an attitude of generosity into all one's behavior. Being kind, attentive, and honest in dealing with others, offering praise where it is due, giving comfort and advice where they are needed, and simply sharing one's time with someone - all these are forms of generosity, and they do not require any particular level of material wealth.

Rainer Maria Rilke

 Lately I've been revisiting the concept of "shame." Shame occurs when one is made to feel less worthy than anyone else and typically due to a perceived flaw or mistake or some other eccentricity. Most of us are survivors of shame--we can all remember a time in our lives when something about us was revealed and we reacted by wanting to hide or disappear.

In the 1970s it was popular for parents to intentionally "shame" children out of behaviors. I remember a younger family member who carried a security blanket longer than her parents thought she should. And so all family members were encouraged to ridicule her. Even typing that anecdote brings some memory of pain for her suffering.

Virginia Satir wrote the Five Freedoms:

1. The freedom to see and hear what is here, instead of what “should” be, was, or will be.
2. The freedom to say what you feel and think, instead of what you “should” feel and think.
3. The freedom to feel what you feel, instead of what you “ought” to feel.
4. The freedom to ask for what you want, instead of always waiting for permission.
5. The freedom to take risks on you own behalf, instead of choosing to be only “secure.”

I can think of no other set of affirmations that can be so life-changing than these five freedoms. Allowing them would result in a world of authenticity--no more hiding, no more closets, no more "playing it safe for others."

Today's challenge: choose at least one of the Five Freedoms and make it today's mantra.

Friendship, Love, and Buddyship: Incomplete thoughts on the concept of compassionability

“No relationship is perfect, ever. There are always some ways you have to bend, to compromise, to give something up in order to gain something greater...The love we have for each other is bigger than these small differences. And that's the key. It's like a big pie chart, and the love in a relationship has to be the biggest piece. Love can make up for a lot.”

― Sarah Dessen, This Lullaby

The week of Valentine's Day has been tumultuous--mostly in good ways, but not without enough shennanigans to get me thinking about what's important in relationships.

Friendship, buddyship, and love are ways of being present with others. They have common characteristics, hallmarks.

Simplicity--maybe not contextually--we have to continue to traverse our way through many unknowns. And many of these unknowns lead to stubbing our toes, tripping, falling, making errors. Sometimes we get bruised--hopefully not intentionally. But sometimes, even as we strive for simplicity we encounter rickety stairs and slick hills.

We are human. We lose our patience. Sometimes lose our temper and act abruptly. In our deepest moments of humanity--which I hope are frequent--we notice our compassionability, our capacity and ability to be, express and accept compassion. This is a hallmark, not only of healthy relationships, but also of intrapersonal strength.  Developing  or expressing compassionability can be daunting.

Perhaps we've made choices that limit our abilities to easily express love and friendship. After all, we're socialized to check boxes--to be either or rather than both and. But of course the experience of humanity is not nice and neat. It is messy, requires spontaneity; it has peaks and valleys. At our own highest highs we revel in awareness, laughter, humor, and buddyships. At our lowest lows we question ourselves. We allow our minds to be overwhelmed with doubt--perhaps shame and regret. I find that no affective state is more distressful than regret--the desire to un-do an action or statement. When we're low, we feel isolated and discontent; raw and unsafely vulnerable. Learning from regret and then letting it go is an important skill. Like the monk who used the canoe to cross the river and then left it behind--because he no longer needed it--we use life as a series of lessons--not a room that gets overfilled with items we no longer need.

Love and friendship are solution-focused. Friends, buddys, partners and lovers seek out and embrace opportunities to care for and express caring and concern for one another. Conversely, we thoughtuflly walk away from temptations to blame, take jabs, or make accusatory statements.

We keep our sights set high on the belief that we each have something good to offer one another--that we are partners in a common, higher principle.

Love and friendship have a sense of balance. Relationships have reciprocity, equanimity, homeostasis. We offer support but we also ask for it. We know our strengths and share them--as supports and as lessons.

We are teachers and students of one another. That is an important hallmark; our appreciation and respect of our interconnectivity. We likewise recognize and address our weaknesses. We ask for help from those stonger and wiser--and we accept and respond to valid criticisms of our weaknesses.

Compassionability  resides with our negative emotions (remember, we're human). So don't bother to try to extinguish negative emotions--rather, strive to allow your ability to be compassionate to be the primary source of decision-making when faced with a surprisingly challenge person or situation.

Some pointers on how to cultivate these halmarks:

1. Always take time for lunch...to go to a quiet spot, perhaps a park--and read a book that a buddy suggested.
2. Find a time in the day to listen to silence.
3. Strive to go 24 hours without complaining; repeat.
4. Notice the lives of others.
5. If you see the same people every day, make sure you introduce yourself; know the name of the guy who lockers next to you.
6. Take a subtle no for an answer, but don't read things into everything.
7. Sing along.
8.  Forgive the past. We've all been saints and sinners...and we'll continue to be.

Patience: A Reflection on the First Month of 2012

January 2012 was a time for gaining patience and building a little resilience.

So, in looking back at the goals I've set I've learned a few things. Here's the report.

Big Life Stuff
I have reduced my email inbox from nearly 3000 emails (most spam and unread) to 66 (5 unread). I've also set a few minutes aside each day to throw things away at work. And I donated about 20 items of clothing to Goodwill. So a little progress has been made with my effort to simplify.

Food & Fitness
Camping trip is getting planned...

I've lost 5 lbs and doing pretty well on the eating plan thanks to Lose It.

I've increased my intake of fresh vegetables and low-starch vegetables, but I continue to have wine with dinner...so that particular objective is kind of a wash. More work to do there.

Green tea: check (thanks, Jeff!). And the effort to eat more Omega-3 is going well (you can easily find it in a lot of foods if you just look).

I could drink more milk; gotta work on that one. And thanks to Mark H., I'm doing a little bit of strength training throughout the week.

Running is good! Jeff and I got in 94 miles in January, just 6 miles short of our 100-miles-per-month goal (I slowed us down due to a couple of health/injury problems--more on those in a future blogpost). I'm set to run two 5Ks this month. The Advantage Health Heart & Sole 5K and Dash Down Division.

No progress on the destination run...maybe Boone, NC.

Thinking & Writing
A couple of ideas for a manuscript, but no words on paper yet.

I am much more organized at work, but then again, there's always room for improvement with that one--the nature of my work requires me to be planful and spontaneous...so there are days when I swim upstream.

And I haven't read a thing in January...but the books are chosen and sitting on the table.


Being Present
I have been much more mindful of spending and have made some progress on that one. That's a long, steep hill, but I'll climb it!

Other objectives in this category need some work, too.

Patience: A bit of summary.
I'm indebted to Michael Lewin's blog for this excerpt:

Nikos Kazantzakis, author of Zorba the Greek and The Last Temptation of Christ, once wrote movingly about a chrysalis that he came across nestled in an olive tree. The infant butterfly, within its cocoon, was just starting to break through to greet a new life when Kazantzakis, anxious to shorten the natural process, breathed intensely on it. The butterfly eventually emerged, but because it was prematurely induced, its wings were insufficiently formed. Unable to take flight, the butterfly soon died. This intervention, in nature’s slow, unfolding of a life, gave Kazantzakis a stirring lesson to reflect upon. If he had let nature take its own course, if he had been more mindful and patient, the small butterfly would have felt the expression of life through its wings, but because Kazantzakis impatiently intervened in a process that he did not fully understand, he had unintentionally denied this butterfly a life.

Setting goals is a step--an important one, but merely a step. I, nor anyone can be the end product over night. Be kind to yourself...don't hurry the process. Stay the course. 

Floating

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”
― Rainer Maria Rilke